Let Them Eat Cake!

Dear Diary,

It’s been a long time since I’ve written in you, and since I had a couple of extra minutes to kill before heading off to work, I thought I’d let you know how things have been going.

I’m no longer in third grade; I walked Cynthia home, once; I never married my fourth grade math teacher; my dog died; a cat ate my turtle; and firemen came to our house looking for a fire, but it was all a misunderstanding (I swear I didn’t call them).

I made it through high school and college with no visible scars. I have a respectable job, a family, and a closet full of clothes I can’t wear because I eat too much. I own a couple of cars, a house by the lake, a motorcycle, and a lot of other stuff I don’t need. And I have enough debt to keep me working until God says, “Cash in your chips – you’re done.”

All in all I’m living the American dream. But I’m starting to think that buying goats wasn’t the brightest idea I ever had.

I bought the goats thinking they would eat the grass, instead of me having to mow it. But who would have guessed my goats would be picky eaters?

Unfortunately, I believe it’s my fault they’re picky eaters. When I first got them, I gave them things like lettuce, bananas, carrots, and three-week old chocolate cake. What animal in its right mind would gladly munch on grass and weeds after eating three-week old chocolate cake? I know I wouldn’t. And now, every time they see me, they bleat out horrible noises that sound an awful lot like, “CAKE! Give us CAKE! Not vanilla. We only want chocolate cake! A cold glass of milk would be nice, too, if you have some.”

I want to know who said goats would eat anything, because it’s a lie. I left an old lawnmower out in their pen three weeks ago and they haven’t even nibbled on it.

So, you know what this means don’t you? It means I’m going to have to mow. Either that or buy more goats that prefer nothing but grass and weeds. But it would be my luck that the old goats would tell the new goats, “Hey, don’t eat that stuff. Something better is on its way.”

Goats are smart like that.