Losing weight on the Coffee Diet

According to a generic get-healthy, lose-that-belly-or-die article I read on the internet yesterday, a person's metabolism has something to do with weight loss. I'm not exactly sure what or how this metabolism thing works, but I guess if they say it does, it does.

I usually never read those weight-loss articles. I just fly right over them without giving them a buzz, but this one caught my eye because of the cup of coffee photograph that was associated with it. The big headline read: "Natural ways to boost your metabolism." And for a little kicker: "Drink yourself to slimness."

Now THAT'S more like it.

I skimmed through the article -- it mentioned something about muscles and weight training (yeah, yeah, yeah); keeping hydrated by drinking lots of water (and staying close to the toilet I suppose); cardio-something exercise (more sweating, no doubt); and finally, what I was really looking for: COFFEE DRINKING!

Come to find out, if you can give a boost to this thing called metabolism, your body will help burn off those fat cells, thus making you lose weight, thus making you able to fit in those jeans a little better, and thus keeping that belly ABOVE the belt instead of hanging OVER it. Coffee is an "effective metabolism booster" (quoted straight from the article), and can improve "fat oxidation" -- whatever the hell that means.

The article says drink a cup before exercise to "improve alertness and help fight fatigue," but I'm thinking if I drink TWO cups I can forget about the exercise altogether with exactly the same results. In fact, if I restrict my calorie intake to just coffee (say, a couple of cups three times a day), I'll never be hungry and my belly will never even THINK about hanging over my belt again.

Far-fetched you say? Maybe. But aren't there already diets that make you drink so much of this and so much of that in order to fill you up so you don't feel as hungry, causing you to lose weight -- for a chunk of change because you have to order their product?

Well, if I'm going to spend my hard-earned dinero on something to drink, then I'm spending it on coffee -- freshly ground, piping hot, "just itching to get my metabolism off the couch and out metabolising like it should be" coffee!

In fact, I'm off to have a cup right now. So, adios mis amigos! Me and my metabolism have got some business to attend to.