Six Tips for Maintaining a Successful Marriage

After 26 years of marriage, I’ve learned a thing or two that I would like to pass on:

1. When your spouse starts to nag, don't get overly annoyed. Just hum a song. After 26 years you’ll know a heckuva lot of songs and you’ll be a hit at every party.

2. Your spouse knows how to drive a car much better than you, so nod your head, keep your mouth shut and remember YOU are the one who's driving, and even though you secretly have a mind to stop and put everyone out and make them walk, you're not going to – but you COULD.

3. If your spouse says, “WE need to get the oil changed in the car,” it really means YOU need to do it, so get your lazy butt off the couch and get it done.

4. Use phrases that will keep the status quo, like: Yes dear, no dear, of course dear, it's my fault, I'll get right to it, whatever you say dear, I'll never let it happen again dear, and I’m sorry. Try not to use phrases that will rock the boat, like: Oh yes I will, hell no, it ain't MY fault, you SHOULD be sorry, I ain't getting up till this game is over, I'm not listening to you, and oh well that's life. If you decide to rock the boat, make doubly sure you know how to swim.

5. Never lie, you’ll get caught every time. For example:

SHE – “Did you wash your hands before cooking that meat?
YOU – “Yes dear.”
SHE – “Did you wash your hands after touching the meat?”
YOU – “Yes dear.”
SHE – “Did you wash your hands after you used the bathroom?”
YOU – “Yes dear.”
SHE – “Did you wash your hands before you washed your hands?”
YOU – “What?”
SHE – “I knew it. Go wash your hands.”

6. Never give up control of the remote. Some things ARE worth fighting for.

And that’s it. I hope these tips help you, and if they don't, I wouldn't be surprised.

This is a photograph of my wife and I before we were married,
before we had kids, before we took on a mortgage
and car payments,and WAY before I lost my hair.
 Ah, them were the good old days!