There's no such thing as bad weather

Nobody really thinks about buying a new pair of gloves until you’re taking the trash dumpster to the end of the driveway and you get hit by a cold front that was supposed to arrive no later than suppertime. But here it is three hours early, leaving nothing but an icy mess and frozen tear drops in its wake.

You’re sure you have some old gloves — the Eddie Bauer fleece Windcutters you got one Christmas way back in the late 1900s. Now where did you stash them? Oh. Here they are. With busted seams and holes in the fingertips, they’re not much better than nothing. It’s time to start shopping for a new pair. The temperature ain’t getting any warmer.

The worst time to go shopping online for cold weather apparel is in the middle of cold weather. It’s like going to the grocery store on an empty stomach. You’re so hungry, you’ll take two of everything. And now that you’ve found a pair of gloves that might be suitable, you might as well buy three more and a few pairs of Nordic socks. If your feet are cold, it doesn’t matter how warm your hands are. Buying a pair of new socks would be a no brainer.

Did your head feel a little cool as you were pulling that trash dumpster? Well, come to think of it, it did. Why not throw in some new hats? Beanies, perhaps. Not teenie weenie beanies. Something more substantial and handmade by little old Norwegian knitters. They know how to survive in weather like this.

“There’s no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing.”

Nobody’s really sure where that quote came from. An Icelander? A Finn? It doesn’t matter. Everybody has heard a version of it. And now you’re wondering if it’s really true. Maybe you should put it to the test. Put on every bit of clothing you have, traipse back up the driveway to the dumpster — 300 steps to be exact — and see if it feels like you’re taking a stroll around the block on a sunny Autumn afternoon. If not, then find the chinks in your Under Amour and shore up the gaps.

No long johns? You might as well stop the test right here and…now wait a minute. Didn’t you have…? Yes! Here’s the top. Now, where’s the bottoms? No matter. Your legs usually stay warmer than the rest of your body. The test is back on.

So, out you go looking like the Michelin Man. You slowly ease yourself down the front steps (no need to break a hip), and step into a slushy hole of mush. Wet shoes, wet socks, wet toes. First chink in your armor. Need better shoes.

“Now just where do you think you’re going?” you hear someone say through a slightly cracked open front door. Whoever asked the question is smarter than you. And warmer.

“I’m testing my layering system to see if I have what it takes to survive a winter like a Minnesotan — jumping into icy water for fun; having barbecue parties on the deck during a snow storm; skiing to the grocery store.”

“Well, in that case, you forgot a trash bag. You can drop it in the dumpster while you’re trying to find your inner polar bear.”

Twenty minutes later, you have a list of all the items you need to make it through the winter like a true Midwesterner who doesn’t blink an eye at walking five miles to work in flip-flops through six feet of snow. Unfortunately, the weather is making havoc with mail delivery. You’re not going to get any of your items until June.