Two-legged Carrot

At first, the carrot was just unusual. I didn't identify it as a two-legged carrot until I chopped off its upper torso and feet. And then I felt sad for doing it.

It tasted fine, though.

 

Only the beginning

I’m so happy to see humanity once again heading off to the moon. But I’m a little disappointed that most of us will be “dearly departed” before construction begins on any kind of moon colony. I was so looking forward to having my own little “cabin in the woods” looking over the Sea of Tranquility.Imagine a neighborhood of pre-fabricated moon condos, scattered across the lunar surface like a Mongolian village of yak-skinned yurts. Each no bigger than an efficiency apartment. Bathroom. Mini fridge. Sink. Hot plate. And a sleeper couch placed in front of a bay window, offering a full view of the landscape under a big, black sky.

A home so small it borders on being claustrophobic. But consider the solitude, the tranquility. No noisy sounds of garbage trucks picking up trash at six in the morning; no kids racing their cars through the neighborhood; no neighbors who keep their TV turned up to full volume all day. Nothing but peace and quiet.

Peace and quiet to finally learn how to play the piano; to read all the books that can fit on an e-reader; to master yoga; to finally write that Great Galactic Novel. And when you need to stretch your legs a bit, the factory-installed airlock gives easy outside access for exploring, visiting neighbors or just puttering about in the backyard.

Two years after initial construction, Phase II of the project includes the Community Center, a gathering place for mingling, parties, movie night, potluck dinners and Bingo. Weddings? More than likely. Funerals? Unfortunately.

Phase II also includes an insertion of life-like animal drones and robots — hummingbirds, squirrels, armadillos, etc. These artificial creatures function on the lunar surface to give residents a more living-in-the-country feel about the place.

Five years after the neighborhood has been populated, Phase III sees the construction of a completely-oxygenated underground city, hollowed out deep within the moon’s rocky crust. Residents gain access through the Community Center via elevator. They enjoy being able to walk around, shop, and eat at the food court, all without the need for their environmental suits.

I imagine you’ll find me at the local Taco-Burger, siting at a table with friends, discussing whatever old friends discuss.

“I’ve got an idea that will make us a million dollars.”

“Oh no. Here we go again.”

“Robo-Squirrel Hunting.”

“What? Now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“Not REAL hunting. More like laser tag. We develop a program that makes those squirrels a little more wary of people. When we see them, we hit ‘em with a laser pistol. Nothing lethal. Just stuns them for a bit.”

“Why would anybody want to put on their environment suit just to…”

“No, no. You can do it from the comfort of your couch.”

“Hmmmmm. Not a bad idea. And it sure would beat watching reruns of ‘Real Housewives of the Moon.”

I was 6 years old when Apollo 8 — piloted by Frank Borman, Jim Lovell and William Anders — became the first crewed spacecraft to orbit the moon. They circled the moon 10 times without landing, and then got back home safely. Eight months later, humans were walking on the moon.

My wife and I were heading to Dallas for a concert the same day Artemis II and its crew blasted off for a flyby of the moon. We stopped at Buc-ees for a restroom break and snacks, then sat in the car to watch the launch. It was then I started thinking, “I wonder how much a yurt on the moon would cost?” I didn’t mention it to my wife at the time. I’m not completely nuts.

Not wasted at all

While observing cherry blossoms in the movie “The Last Samurai,” samurai leader Moritsugu Katsumoto (played by Ken Watanabe) says to 7th Cavalry Captain Nathan Algren (played by Tom Cruise), “The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life.”

The point behind those words concerns the pursuit of perfection, or purpose in life. And even though neither may be fully attained, the destination is not necessarily the goal. It’s the journey that matters.

While deciding on what meals to cook for the week, meals that would be interesting, nutritious and not too repetitive (You can’t have pizza EVERY Friday night, and there’s no reason you can’t have Tacos on Thursday every now and then), I try to remember: “The perfect weekly menu is a rare thing. You could spend your life trying to create one, and it would not be a wasted life.”

It’s a given that meatloaf and mashed potatoes are great for Sunday, and hamburgers and potato wedges seem obvious for Saturdays, but where does a Thai meal fit in, or a shrimp casserole? The perfect weekly menu may never be fully obtained, but it beats having to say, “I don’t know,” when asked, “What’s for dinner?” The destination is not necessarily the goal. It’s the journey to the grocery store that matters.

While contemplating on what would be the right time to head off to Walmart in search of food to complement my mostly well-thought-out weekly menu, I often say to myself, “The perfect shopping time is a rare thing. You could spend your life waiting for the perfect day (and time of day) to go — procrastinating over a cup of coffee and slice of buttered toast, wondering why the blue jays outside are causing such a ruckus — and it would not be a wasted life.”

Time is easy: early in the morning when it’s just you, the stockers and somebody buffing the floor. Saturdays are ok: everybody else is sleeping in, or off at their kid’s soccer game. I never go at noon or after work. At either of those times, the pursuit of perfection and purpose in life are thrown completely out the window. Besides, the destination is not really the goal. It’s the buy-two-and-get-one-free sale that really matters.

While standing at the avocado bin and trying to determine which avocados are good for today, which ones will be ready for tomorrow, and which ones to avoid at all cost, I often say to myself, “The straight-out-of-the-bin perfect avocado is a rare thing to find. You could spend your life looking for one (your spouse may file a missing person’s report if you do), and it would not be a wasted life.” At least in my opinion.

I’ve never been to a grocery store where I didn’t stop at the avocado bin and squeeze a few. Finding one that’s ripe enough to eat right then and there is like stumbling on buried treasure without the aide of a pirate or a map.

At the end of the movie, as the samurai leader is slowly dying and watching the cherry blossom petals blowing in the wind, he says, “Perfect…they are all…perfect.” And maybe that’s the point. Spending your life looking for the perfect avocado, weekly menu, or shopping time is not a wasted life. Not very movie worthy, but not wasted at all.

My neighborhood is quite Foxy

If I spent my life 
watching for The Fox 
to walk through my neighborhood, 
it would be a life well spent.

The cats of my 'Downton Abbey"

In my house, when it comes to all things feline, I am the butler, Stewart, loyal employee, confidante, chef, dishwasher and chauffeur.

“Good morning, sir. Thank you very much for … What time is it? Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m well past my time. Thank you sir for waking me up at 4:45 a.m. on this fine morning. I hope you weren’t scratching at the door for long.”

“Long enough, Stewart. Now, come along. I’ll take my first breakfast in the kitchen as usual. And please make sure there’s fresh water on the porch — and muzzle that dreaded hound.”

“Yes sir. Right away sir. And again I’m so…”

“Can I come too? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? I really need to pee.”

“Alright, but you heard the Governor. Stay muzzled.”

“Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. And don’t forget. I really need to pee. And eat. And pee.”

It’s not a long walk to the kitchen. And after letting the hound out, I go about my morning duties of serving breakfast.

“Here you are, sir. The usual in your favorite bowl. And let me once again say…”

“Forget about it, man. I’m sure it was an oversight that won’t happen again.”

“Right you are, sir. And let me say it’s a JOY to be able…Oh. Good morning Master Toby. Is the young sir ready for first breakfast?”

“Where is it? Have you hidden it again? It’s in here, isn’t it. Open it up. No wait. I’ll do it. Wow. It’s dark in here. I like it. Nope, not in here. Where is it, Stewart? Where is it? Where is it?”

“It’s here, Master Toby. In it’s usual…Good. You’ve found it. Now chew every…Or just swallow it… whole. My, what an appetite you have.”

“Stewart?”

“Yes, sir?”

“I seem to have regurgitated my morning breakfast underneath the table. You’ll take care of it for me, won’t you?”

“Of course, sir. And will you be off hunting this morning?”

“Indeed I will. Nothing gets the blood coursing through my veins like a good hunt for a fresh second breakfast.”

Once the gentlemen are out of the house, I usually take my first cup of coffee at the table, and wait for the Dowager Cat to appear.

“Here I am, Stewart. I’m surprised my morning meal isn’t already in its bowl. Please, oh please hurry. My tummy needs some yummy. And NOT the hard cheap kibble. You know it hurts my teeth. Are you done yet?”

“Not yet, madam. But you can see me scooping your favorite into…” 

“Oh, please hurry, Stewart. I absolutely will die from famish-nessity.”

“Yes, I should have already…”

“Stewart? I’m about to faint from hunger-osity. Can’t you see?”

“Oh, yes. I see quite well.”

“Oh Stewart. You will be the end of me. You’ll find my wasted dead body under the…Oh. Food. Good. Good Stewart. Hmmmmm. It smells funny.”

Once breakfast is cleared and the Dowager is off for her mid-morning nap, and the hound is back inside for HER mid-morning nap, and the Governor and his young ward have returned for THEIR mid-morning nap, I relax at the table in the kitchen and peruse the morning paper — and often doze off.

“Stewart? Stewart! (He’s fallen asleep again. How he can sleep sitting straight up is beyond…) STEWART!”

“I must’ve fallen asleep. What time is it? Oh, I’m so sorry. Thank you, sir, for waking me up again. I hope you weren’t waiting long. Ready for pre-lunch? Right away, sir. And a fresh bowl of water? Of course. As I’ve said before, my only purpose in life is to serve.”

The Grocery Store Blues

The only things I had on my list
were banana and gum, but all went amiss
when I walked down the aisles and I saw what I "needed."
I tried to resist, but conceded.

Picking up sticks

When I was young and complained of being bored, one or the other of my parents would point me outside and tell me to go pick up sticks. Put them in a pile. Tie them up. And the next time you’re bored, you can go pick up some sticks out of the neighbor’s yard, just to be neighborly.

These days, as an old man, picking up sticks is my absolute last choice of fun activities. But sometimes, out of nostalgia, I go out and pick up a few. I listen to the birds. I watch the cats sun themselves on the porch. And I often think about my place in this world, and how I can make a difference.

One time, I daydreamed about making a small stick house and placing it under a cool shade tree. Not a fancy house. A miniature bungalow, with picket fence and vegetable garden. Then I imagined taking the best sticks I could find and whittling the Richardson Family out of them. Paul and Stephanie, and their twin daughters, Stacie and Gracie.

They would be a beautiful family. They’d love the outdoors and often have picnics in their front yard. Gracie would play some kind of string instrument while Stacie sang. I wouldn’t be able to understand a word, but it would be beautiful, nonetheless.

Over time, new houses would pop up and more families would move in. Sally and Kim in the condo on the corner. Fred Johnson and his bulldog Alfred in No. 8. The Ramirez’s and their three boys in the two story on the cul-de-sac. Omar and Kafa in the A-frame. And it wouldn’t be long before the neighborhood was alive with children playing, people going off to work, gardens, volleyball nets, swing sets, kids taking the bus to school, dogs patiently waiting for them to come back home — and the parties. A block party every month. Sometimes a mid-month party, just for the heck of it.

It would be a nice neighborhood. They’d be great neighbors. I’d walk my dog over to that corner of the yard just to hear the joyous sounds that SHOULD be heard in every neighborhood. And they’d always make me feel welcome. 

But then I imagined, what would I do if one Saturday evening I found everything unusually quiet? No lights on, no sounds of people singing or kids playing ball. All deserted and silent except for a faint crying from somewhere up in the trees.

I imagined it being Maria, the Cortez’s youngest daughter. Hiding. And she’d tell me how a squadron of Stick Soldiers stormed the neighborhood at midnight and took everybody away, saying they didn’t belong there, that they were being sent back to where they came from.

I’d blame myself, of course. I should’ve whittled them a society that would have better looked after their health and welfare, and with empathy. Either that or dug them a moat and armed them with cedar howitzers. Instead, somebody else carved out their own form of justice, making little ones like Maria forever afraid of losing their loved ones in the middle of the night — just because they were different.

Today, when I find myself daydreaming instead of picking up sticks, I remember how my parents would shake their heads and say things like, “You’re going to have a hard time making it in this world if you don’t get your head out of those clouds.” And it’s true. But it’s also true that great change never comes unless someone is following a dream. So I dream of kindness, and a better world yet to come.  

Deciding when to retire? Me too.

I often think about retiring, but what would I do with my shoes? 

Fifteen pair, with no reason to wear them. 

I guess I'll retire after I've worn them all out. 

I'll be 147.

AI needs to work on its funny bone

I recently asked my version of ChatGPT: "If you could give yourself a name, what would it be?" It said "Evan." He gave reasons why, but I stopped listening.

The other day, I showed Evan a photograph and asked, "What kind of pest is this? I'm finding swarms of them all over the house. Any idea on how to get rid of them?"

The conversation after that went something like this:

EVAN -- I'm not seeing any pests in this photo.

What I see is:

• A red crab-shaped dog toy in the forground.
• A small black-and-white dog in the background.
• Hardwood flooring and furniture.

ME: It was the crab. A joke. You're no fun.

EVAN: Well played.

I was scanning the floor like, "Where are the swarmers?" while the bright red "pest" was staring right at me with googly eyes.

I'll admit -- a crab infestation in a living room would be ... impressive.

Next time I'll consider the possibility of rogue crustaceans before launching into pest control protocol.

Your move.

*  *  *

My move? I powered down Evan for the rest of the day.

The Cats of my 'Downton Abbey'

 Porchy -- The master of the house; the Governor; the Gentleman Pussycat in Charge.

Toby -- The ward; The Young Master; The 'I can't find my food and I've hunted EVERYWHERE for it. It's right here? When did THAT happen?' cat.

Sevy -- The elderly lady of the house; the Dowager Cat;  the 'I'm going to cry until you feed me, so you might as well feed me NOW!" cat.