When all else fails, try The Texas Stadium Solution!

Did I tell you that I changed my truck's alternator all by myself? Of course I did. I told everybody. Well, everybody who would stay around long enough to listen.

A couple of weeks ago, me, myself and non-mechanical I went under the hood of my 1982 F-100, performed a quick operation on the alternator, got my hands real nice and icky, and resuscitated my truck from what looked like certain death.

But after several weeks of running pert near flawlessly, the piece of crap now decides it doesn't want to crank anymore. My very-mechanical friends pointed me in the direction of the starter -- which, they said, was easy to take off, easy to install, and "you'll be up and running in no time" -- so I bought one.

I took the old starter off (piece of cake), put the new one on (piece of chocolate cake), and the truck still won't start.

I think instead of a starter, the parts guy sold me a stopper. The crook!

Now I'm thinking about dynamite. Tow the truck to an empty parking lot, put a few sticks under the hood, charge admission, set off some fireworks, and send this rusty old monster back to the hell it came from. I'll even have an essay contest where some lucky school kid can push the "Button of Doom."

I call this The Texas Stadium Solution.

I'll let you know when tickets go on sale.