A letter to my wife

Dear Susan,

Okay, I will admit that there may be a possibility that AT TIMES I do emit snoring-like sounds that possibly cause you to lose a few moments of sleep each night.

I will admit that it's very possible my slight weight problem may have something to do with all this, and that if I'd exercise and eat right, the alleged problem would go away.

I will admit that if I were in your place, I, too, would take my sharpest fingernail and drive it into the back of my skull until the snoring sounds -- or all indications of life -- stopped.

I will admit that it's more than likely if I DO have a snoring problem, then I might also have a sleeping problem which causes me to gasp for breath many times a night, thus keeping me, and you, from getting a sound sleep.

But, and I'm sorry to say this, there is no way in you-know-where that I'm going to go to a sleep clinic and have people I don't even know WATCH as I sleep, take VIDEO of me sleeping (with the high probability that it'll end up on the Internet), analyse my sleeplessness, then give me a diagnosis that I have a snoring and sleeping problem that can be cured by diet and exercise -- all to the tune of thousands of dollars, some of which is covered by insurance, but the rest not -- which is exactly what I'm admitting to, right now, for free!

Okay?

I do have an alternate solution.

Instead of spending all that money on something we already know, why not spend $700 for an iPad -- I'd even share it with you at times -- and download a $5 app, a weight-loss, elimate-snoring-in-the-comfort-of-your-own-home app, and save all that money and get a great tech toy that can surf the internet via wifi or 3g?

I hear they have an app for everything.

Sound good to you?