The countdown to Black Friday commences

It won't be long now until Black Friday, the busiest shopping day in the universe, and I’m on pins and needles with excitement just waiting for the chance to buy practically anything I don’t really need at substantial savings.

I even bought some new running shoes for the day (I told my wife I bought them for exercise purposes, but you and I know the truth). I guarantee those shoes are going to get me in and out of every store within my credit limit, and maybe some beyond.

Yes, baby! You just know how much I like to shop, and I’m going to shop until everybody else drops, because what would be the purpose if I dropped until I shopped? Wait a minute. Reverse that. Shall we continue? I guess we must.

As I’m writing this, it’s actually a couple of weeks before the Big Event, but my fingers are just dancing across the keyboard in pure excitement over the fact that The Day is quickly coming. Holy cow I’ve never written anything with such abandon.

And that will be the word for The Day – “abandon.” We’ll shop with abandon. We’ll pull out our credit cards with abandon. We’ll swipe those suckers with abandon. And if you just happen to have that half-off coffee maker that I really wanted, but you got the last one on the whole planet, I might just rip it out of your hands with abandon. It’s Black Friday. That’s what people do. All’s fair in love and want.

Now, let’s see. The first thing I’m going for is the 50-inch Plasma HDTV with Realistic Surround Sound that’s discounted at 60 percent off its everyday low price. I have no idea what the everyday low price was, I haven’t a clue how to figure out what 60 percent off of it would be, but I’ll be hog swallowed if that thing isn’t sitting in my living room on Saturday.

“Excuse me, but haven’t you said before that you don’t actually get television reception at your house? That you refuse to purchase satellite TV because you don’t want to have to pay the monthly cost?”

Hey, who asked you? The TV is 60 percent off. It’ll look great in my living room, even if it’s just collecting dust.

Okay, so next on my list is a Black & Decker Lithium-Powered Garden Cultivator (battery and charger not included) with the detachable 24-inch PowerCommand String Trimmer that every REAL gardener should have in their shed, because you know precisely how much I love yard work.

I’m not exactly sure Black & Decker makes one of those, but if it’s on sale, it’s mine.

Tools. That’s what I need next. More tools. Tools to work on my truck. Tools to fix the leaky faucet. Power Tools. Socket Wrenches. Screw Drivers. A Nupla Handi-Hammer Handleless Dead Blow. Yessiree, that’s the ticket. I have no idea what a Handleless Dead Blow is for, but it’s going in my toolbox, on sale or not.

“Is that the same toolbox that is full of old rusty screwdrivers you never use because you’ve misplaced the toolbox?”

Hey, that’s beside the point.

And a grill. Boy hidey, who cares if I already have a grill sitting on the porch. A guy can never have too many grills. A grill for chicken. A grill for steak. A grill for burgers. Shoot, if you go to a fancy restaurant don’t they put three forks beside your plate, even though one will do the job? Then having three grills on the porch isn’t strange at all.

I’m going for one of those honkin’ big 1,000-pound cast iron grill/smoker combos that takes an 18-wheeler to haul around. Just give me 5 percent off the retail price and I’m putting one in the back yard.

Yes sir. Black Friday. Just hours away. And do you think I’m going to miss a single minute of it? Do you think I’m going to let unheard-of deals slip through my fingers? Do you think I’d let mere crowds of pushing and shoving shopping fanatics stand in the way of me getting exactly what I need, even though I didn’t know I “needed” it until I saw how much I was going to save on the regular price?

You bet your sweet bippy I am!