The Cowboys need some AVM

I hear the Dallas Cowboys have a new stadium. I also hear they haven’t shown up this year to play in it. Of course I really wouldn’t know because I haven’t seen a single game. But then again, I have a feeling neither have you.

Cowboy Stadium cost just over $1 billion to build. Now, if there are 53 football players on the regular roster, divided by $1 billion, minus $82 per ticket (cheap seats), times a family of four, plus $200 for snacks (per person), multiplied by 100,000 Cowboy fans (some standing in the standing-room only section) – well, YOU do the math because I’ve done pooped out.

(You can watch a Texas Ranger game for $6 and bring your own cooler. Plus, if you catch a foul ball, you get to keep it!)

There are three keys to winning a football game: Action, Violence and Mayhem. Without a whole lot of AVM (unofficial NFL acronym), a football game is nothing more than a bunch of big men pushing each other around while pretty cheerleaders shake their pompoms at fans to keep their minds off the fact they paid a large chunk of change to watch a bunch of big men pushing each other around.

In case you’re not familiar with the theory of AVM, let’s look at some definitions:

ACTION – A noun; the process or state of acting or of being active; energetic activity; an exertion of power or force; a military encounter or engagement; battle, skirmish or the like.

The word “Action” doesn’t necessarily have to imply “winning,” which is good considering there hasn’t been a lot of it going on in Cowboy-land. “Inaction” I think would be a more appropriate word to use in this situation, and I’m sure you’re already familiar with its definition.

VIOLENCE – A noun; swift and intense force; rough or injurious physical strength, action or treatment. Synonyms include: might, power, impact, and fury.

Let’s use “violence” in a sentence: “If the Cowboys end the season with a losing record, I will do violence on my television and buy me a bigger one – preferably with surround sound.”

MAYHEM – A noun; a state of rowdy disorder; the crime of willfully inflicting a bodily injury on another so as to make the victim less capable of self-defense or, under modern statutes, so as to cripple or mutilate the victim.

Now THAT’S what the Cowboys need!

Of course, I don’t actually get to watch the games (lack of television, lack of satellite, lack of interest), but I can watch vicariously through my “friends’” posts on Facebook. (Yes, I admit it – I’m a Facebook kind of guy. So sue me.)

Anyways, here’s how the game went this past Sunday (Cowboys vs. Green Bay) according to my Facebook friends. I’ve also included my illiterate responses to whatever was said:

JOHN: “I’m waiting for the Cowboys to play. Should I be rooting for them to win for my benefit, or lose to humiliate that idiot Owner Jerry (Skelator) Jones for yet another week? It’s problematic.”

ME: “The Cowboys are playing tonight? Says who?”

BLAKE: “I remember when Hee Haw was the most painful thing on TV to watch. That was before the 2010 Dallas Cowboys.”

ME: “Hey, don’t be badmouthing Hee Haw. Grandpa and his banjo were the stuff!”

MARY: “Has on her comfy Cowboys jammies in hopes it will bring good luck to ‘da Boys.”

ME: “Only time will tell!”

JOE: “Is it possible the Dallas Cowboys can win another game this season?”

ME: “Depends on the game. Football? Probably not. Tiddlywinks? Maybe.”

PAM: “Made the mistake of going from ‘Desperate Housewives’ to this new weekly show called ‘Pathetic Cowboys.’ Thirty minutes is all I can take. Someone needs to cancel this show.”

PAM: “The Texas Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders going into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you two Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.”

ME: “Pam, saying such things is just downright cruel. Keep it up!”

KATHY: “Thinks this game is like a bad car accident. You know you shouldn’t look but you just can’t help yourself.”

ME: “So, I gather the Cowboys are losing? Again?”

And yes, my friends, they eventually did. Packers 45, Cowboys 7. So, I guess I’ve said all I’ve ever wanted to say about football. Anybody up for a game of Yahtzee?